Friday, January 13, 2006

BEATLEBEAT2000

A Millenium Pit Stop For All Your Beatles News
Oasis Complete "Fab" Line-Up
(London, England) -- . Having Zak Starkey to drum for their latest album, Don't Believe The Truth, apparently wasn't enough for Beatles-mad Gallagher brothers Noel and Liam who today revealed what they called their "ultimate Oasis line-up" featuring Dhanni Harrison on guitar, Sean Lennon on keyboards and James McCartney on bass.

Julian Lennon was unavailable for comment.

"Only Two Beatles Still Alive, Think About It," Says Area Man
(Columbus, Ohio) -- Abraham "Abe" Wyver, 52, expressed a certain wistfulness about the inexorable march of time as told by the fact that Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney alone remain from "like, the best rock and roll group that's even been."

"I was just thinkin'," said the northside welder, "about how freaky it actually is that there's two Beatles that have already passed on."

Wyver claims to remember where he was when he heard the band broke up in 1970 ("Jeremy Schiffel told me in the cafeteria at Mount Vernon Senior High School.") and can mark significant events in his life correspondant with those in the band's career ("My eldest grandson was born the day the Yellow Submarine Songtrack album came out.").

"Only two Beatles still alive," he said with a mixture of resignation and bewilderment, "Think about it."

Lennon & McCartney Wrote Songs Together As Late As 1980
Shocking New Macca Claim
Rye, England -- During interviews promoting his latest album, Chaos and Creation..., Sir Paul McCartney has fantastically revealed that he and John Lennon had renewed their songwriting partnership during the last two "or so" years of the slain Beatles life.

"Owing to the fact that we'd become best friends again, John and I spent a lot of time together in the late '70s," he said. "And naturally we would just fall in to songwriting."

McCartney has further stated that the songs, which he is "pretty sure [are] in a desk or dressing table drawer in his New York apartment" are "probably as good or better" than most Beatles songs.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

TODAY'S MUSIC NEWS TODAY

DARKNESS, STROKES IN SCALP RESURFACING DEAL
(New York City, New York) – Details have today emerged of a deal between managements of The Darkness and The Strokes to stem the tide of male pattern baldness in The Darkness lead singer Justin Hawkins in time for the release of the pop metal band’s new LP One Way Ticket To Hell…And Back.


In exchange for a ready supply of their coarse Mediterranean locks, The Strokes will receive substantial "irony" payments, which will allow them to affect different detached poses in relation to their art. In addition, the band will retain "pop sheen veneer" options, which the leather-clad neo-punkers hope will reverse sliding fortunes as they ready their difficult third album, First Impressions Of Earth, for release.

However, despite the obvious benefits to both sides, the formal arrangements have taken a long time to hammer out, as evidenced by the bands’ respective coolings-off public imagination-wise.

Justin Hawkins was understandably nervous about the move: The history of intra-band, let alone inter-band, hair transplants has not always been a pretty one. For every Status Quo/Rick Parfaitt/Francis Rossi miracle, when blond hair took to brown follicles, there’s ten R.E.M./Mike Mills/Mike Stipe disasters where, after an uncertain and frizzy start, Stipe was forced to give up, shave his head and, latterly, affect a silly blue make-up eyestrip mask.

And don’t let’s even get started on the tragic early 90s cross gender hair transfer between Celine Dion and Michael Bolton.

Accordingly, the be-spandexed lead singer was initially in favour of the less invasive Scorpions Manoever, so named for the famously all-balding heavy metal band, whereby whatever remaining hair is sprayed high with a "thickening" agent. It is said that his similarly thinning haired guitarist brother, Dan, who pointed out how thoroughly ridiculous the Germans looked by their Love Bite album, persuaded Hawkins otherwise.

Negotiations were no less fraught on The Strokes side with bassist Nikolai Fraiture arguing that irony and pop sheen veneer were "the last refuges of a scoundrel" and would cost the band their remaining shreds of street credibility. He was voted down 5 – 1 by the rest of the band who were intent on avoiding what another member called "the dead end of cult hero-dom."

It is hoped the The Darkness scalp resurfacing can be completed before the shooting of the new album’s second video.

TODAY'S MUSIC NEWS TODAY

Toby Keith Serendipitously Dodges Traffic Fine
Arresting Officer President of Online Toby Keith Fanclub
(Nashville, TN) – Toby Keith is usually more than happy to see his name printed in big letters on a ticket worth tens of dollars, but not always. Not, for example, on the $35 traffic ticket for a faulty left taillight he was about to receive from Nashville area police deputy Ned Shearing.


Fortunately, chance favored the million-selling country music megastar.

Keith, 44, whose hits include "Should’ve Been a Cowboy", "He Ain’t Worth Missing" and "Who’s That Man," was pulled over yesterday at 12:17 p.m. EST when Shearing, who is also webmaster of Shock’n Y’all, a fan site dedicated to Toby Keith, noticed that the singer’s left rear brake light "failed to deploy" as he slowed down to stop at a traffic light in Burnley, a small town 22 miles east of Nashville.

At first, Shearing, who owns multi-format versions of all 13 of Toby Keith’s albums, didn’t recognise Keith’s personalised licence plate, TK 1. "I should have known," admitted the shame-faced policeman later, "I mean, who else?

"The thing is, I wouldn’t have normally even bothered with a Section 51/T [tail light moving code violation]," claimed Shearing, "but things had been real slow all morning and I guess Mr. Keith was just at the wrong place at the wrong time.

"Anyway, after I ripped up the proper ticket, I got his autograph on the voided office copy for my [Toby Keith] shrine in the ‘recroom’," said Shearing whose favourite Toby collectible is the ultra-rare Japanese-only double gatefold vinyl-style two-CD promo version of Honky Tonk University (2005), which includes a third bonus DVD of Keith live on Austin City Limits and comes with a guitar pick with Toby’s signature embossed on it in gold.

"Call it nobless oblige, or just plain ol’ ‘star power’," chuckled the redneck manqué, "But he was apologisin’ and bowin’ and scrapin’ quicker than a greased pig down a coal chute."

Not everyone was happy about Keith's fine-avoidance. "Frankly, it’s a perversion of justice," Nashville homemaker Sally Wheelers reported. "I wonder if [Shearing] would allow [Keith] to drive his car."

Shearing posted a breathless account of the run in with his idol on the Shock’n Y’all Bulletin Board, Pull My Chain, later when he got off work that evening. There were no replies as of press time.

INSIDE THIS ISSUE

Bearing In Mind, There's No Actual Inside

Remastering My Bloody Valentine Re-Issues Has Already Taken Five Years And Nearly Bankrupted Record Company

Hertfordshire Family Recalls Atom Heart Mother Cow As "Tender, Succulent"

Fan Letter Unanswered

Franz Ferdinand, Kaiser Chiefs Proud To Continue Naming-Your-Band-After-WWI-Things Tradition Begun By Sopwith Camel

Daft Punk Neither

Marshall Electronics Develops New Amplifiers That Go Up To Twelve

Rolling Stones Purchased By National Trust, Refurbished In Time For Late Autumn Re-Opening

Novelty Band Ends Yet Another Fucking Song With "Cha-Cha-Cha"


Friday, September 23, 2005

PERSONALITIES IN THE NEWS

He cuts a dashing figure as he strides through his Islington neighborhood, but Robert Doyal has a secret...
PEOPLE THINK HIPSTER IS LISTENING TO COOLER MUSIC THAN HE ACTUALLY IS

(London, England) -- He is young, stylish, good-looking and works at a cutting edge PR firm, so when asked what they thought Robert Doyal was listening to on his I-Pod people routinely checked some of the best, coolest music recorded in the last fifty years with Miles Davis' Quite Nights and "something by the Last Poets" being two typical responses.

In fact, Doyal was listening to Love And the Russian Winter, the little-loved 1999 Simply Red album.

"By the look of him, I'm guessing 'Lonely Woman' by Ornette Coleman," said City bank manager Norris Cheshire. "That or a track from Mos Def's Black On Both Sides."


Bristol welder Ron Richards judged, incorrectly, that Doyal was listening to a homemade compilation of Beatles early solo singles and solo albums "when there was still a little bit of Beatle magic lingering."

Edna Everton, who is a homemaker in Canterbury, wrongly believed Doyal was enjoying some "wicked dubstep/grime groove; maybe a mix CD by16-year-old Bristol wonderboy DJ Joker.

"Failing that," Everton finally offered, "a Glen Brown dub--'Away With The Bad' would be my best guess.

Another witness, known only as Akira, suggested it could be "Is This Love" by up-and-coming New York band Clap Your Hands Say Yeah."

The fact that Doyal, who lives three blocks from uber-indie music nightclub, The Garage, where the likes of Scrawl and Shellac have played, was listening to a relatively unheralded late-period Simply Red LP sent shock waves through all those polled.

"You're f*ckin' sh*ttin' me," said Leyton Davis, Leeds University student. "I had him pegged for Gang of Four's Land Of the Free."

When asked, Doyal said his favorite Russian Winter songs were "Words For Girlfriends", "Man Made the Gun" and ("especially") "Ain't That a Lotta Love"

"At least this week," he added with a laugh.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Today’s Music News Today

Barrett’s Floyd, Original Wings Re-Unite
For Live 8 Concert
(Hyde Park, London, U.K.) – To the amazement and dizzying surprise of a 1.2 million strong central London audience, founding member of The Pink Floyd, Roger "Syd" Barrett, joined his former bandmates in an extended performance of several vintage Pink Floyd songs at the London Live 8 Charity Benefit Concert. Dramatically arriving onstage mid-way through a performance of the post-Syd acronymised tribute ,"Shine On You Crazy Diamond", the band's erstwhile songwriter/guitarist/visionary proceded to lead the art rock superstars through many Barrett-era album tracks including "Jugband Blues" and "Interstellar Overdrive", early non-LP singles like "Apples and Oranges" and "See Emily Play", as well as the rarely heard outtakes, "Vegetable Man" and "Scream Thy Last Scream".

The headlining act, however, surpassed even the Pink Floyd reunion terms of surprise and delight. Re-grouping for the first time in over thirty years, the surviving members of the original Wings, Sir Paul McCartney, Denny Laine and Denny Seiwell, performed a set partially made up of the band's landmark 1971 debut Wild Life in its entirety. The programme culminated in a grand finale performance of "Rockestra Theme" and "So Glad To See You" (both from Back To The Egg [1979], Wings' epochal swansong), featuring latter day Wings members Henry McCullough, Joe English, Steve Holly, Geoff Britton and Lawrence Juber.


Paul McCartney & Wings encored with "Cook of the House", an emotional tribute to former bandmate Linda McCartney, who died four or five years ago. The gifted vocalist originally sang the song on the band's 1976 LP Wings At the Speed of Sound.


COLUMBUSBEAT

Local Drummer Forces Party Host to Play Band Demo CD
Attendants At OSU Campus Get-Together Humour Mediocre Percussionist, Offer Vague Critiques


Party go-ers at Stephen Mears’ 26th Birthday party on 245 Chittenden Avenue were obliged to listen to Columbus band Jareez Kidz' demonstration CD by the group's drummer, Peter "Dragon" Tashoni, last night.

"This first one's about race relations," announced Tashoni to the assembled crowd. He then cued up "Brothers Under the Skin", a patronizing and listless funk workout that began the three track demo.

"Oo, listen to this bit," Tashoni ordered as several attendees edged away. "This [breakdown] is so wicked."

Many reported that Tashoni played "air drums" along with his recorded performance.

Clifford Snowts, music critic with the Columbus Grauniad, was not at the party but received the demo two weeks ago. He gave the disc a cursory listen and dismissed it as "typical bland, uptight college student funk.

"Put it this way," Snowts said, "If James Brown were dead, he'd be rolling over in his grave.

"And the drummer sounds like he's playing with knitting needles," he added.

Those who offered comment to Tashoni at the party said that the middling jam band's CD was "pretty cool" and "sound[ed] professional", with the only criticism coming from Lane Avenue Cord Camera employee Eric Carter. "I think the vocals sound a bit buried in the mix," he suggested, adopting recording studio lingua.

"Pete was like begging to play his crappy-ass demo," reported a disgruntled Mears. "Thank fuck it was only three songs or everyone would’ve left."

"It totally killed the buzz," agreed housemate and party co-host Oscar Rentz. "Fortunately, Dragon put one of the mix CDs we’d burned back on, which got the party pretty much back on track before we started haemorrhaging too many guests."

Tashoni plans to make a copy of the disc, which was recorded at Gravity's Angel Studios last June, for his uncle Tony, who used to play in a band once.

'TWERE THERE A NEXT ISSUE...

...these stories would be published

London's Rinse FM DJ Spends More Time Bigging-Up Various Local Crews Than Playing Music

Karoake Jonathan Richman Technically Better Than Original

Enya Finally Cracks

14-Year-Old Famously Corrupted by Don Henley To Turn 40 This Year

K-RAP FM–New All-Hip Hop Radio Station Lives Up To Name

Plasticman Mix "Better On Second Pass"


POP MUSIC HEALTHWATCH

BRITNEY SPEARS' BARE PREGNANT MIDRIFF INSPIRES ONLY FETISHIST MASTURBATION FANTASIES

(London, England) – Time was not too long ago when the sight of singer Britney Spears’ exposed stomach in sexually provocative magazine and newspaper photographs caused countless and widespread jack-off sessions.

But in a sign of changing times, a recent photograph, oringinally published in England's Sun tabloid newspaper, of the heavily-pregnant Spears in a crop top caused relatively few to polish the pope and then only those sexual fetishists who actively seek pregnant women for their cobra-choking reveries.

While normally having to frequent specialist web sites especially dedicated to sexy pregnant women, Manchester’s Carl Wilmont is particularly pleased about the widespread availability of the recent Spears' picture, which he literally came across when surfing the net last night.

"Oh man, her belly button was sticking way out," Wilmont said of the picture shortly after shaking hands with the one-eyed ambassador of love while imagining a seven-and-a-half-months gone Spears bobbing up and down on his erect penis while giving herself a reacharound.

"She was positively blooming," he added with a sigh.


Monday, May 23, 2005

INSIDE THIS ISSUE

Were There An Inside
NEW WAVE SPECIAL FEATURE
  • Elvis Costello Explains His Unique Style: "First I Sneer Softly. Then I Sneer Loudly."
  • Another Sex Pistols Tour -- Like Punk Always Happens
  • Boomtown Rats: What If They Had A Reunion And No-One Came?
  • Joe Jackson and Graham Parker Reviews Which Don't Compare Them To Elvis Costello or Mention the Words Angry, Young or Man
  • XTC: Still Quirky After All These Years
  • Bruce Foxton--Will Play New Wave Bass For Food

NEXT ISSUE

Not
Revealed: Chemical Brothers Adopted!

Dumb Ass Here Doesn't Like OutKast

Under Mistaken Impression That Comeback Somehow Permanent, Tony Christie Pitches "Amarillo~The Musical" Idea To Ben Elton

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

TODAY'S MUSIC NEWS TODAY

DJ To Launch "One-Rhythm" Career

(Kingston, JA) –Jamaican MC Waanriddim is a DJ with a difference: the rapper born Neville Richard only ever rides a single backing track.

"Ain’t But Da Waanriddim" (Studio Waan 7"), the Kingston DJ’s debut single, is currently number 18 on the Billboard download chart. It is featured on Waanriddim’s first album, M’ Riddims All Sound Da Same (Studio Waan double 10"), a 27-cut "megamix", which comes out next week. Waanriddim’s sophomore LP, currently under production, is due a few days later on the Channel Waan label. All will use the same riddim and feature Waanriddims "singjay" style toasts and a few dubs.

One-Rhythm albums (full-length LPs made up of various artists' vocal, dub, instrumental and DJ versions ‘pon the same backing track) are now relatively common, but, according "Prince Asbo", a poster on reggae re-issue label Blood and Fire message board, "a One-Rhythm career is unique and marks a developmental leap in the history of Jamaican music."

Some have questioned whether a DJ can sustain an entire career that utilises a single rhythm. However, an anonymous Friday Night BBC Radio 1 Dancehall Reggae presenter has suggested that there are "only about seven rhythms currently being utilised in the whole of ragga anyway, and no one has noticed."

GONE YESTERDAY

Obits From The A. Archives
1973
Beach Boy Dad And #1 Asshole, Murray Wilson, Dead Of Assholism, Age 55

(Hawthorn, CA) – June 4 – Murray Wilson, Beach Boy Dad and First –Class Asshole suffered a fatal heart attack yesterday, brought on by complications related to Assholism. Wilson, the 100% Asshole, had evinced Asshole tendencies from a young age, culminating in the appallingly Asshole-y treatment of his children.


"Assholism onset can occur as result of success or failure," says Jamie Tan of the Johns Hopkins Center For Asshole Research. "Or, as in Total Asshole Murray Wilson’s case, both, experienced through his sons and first hand, respectively.


"There is also compelling evidence that Assholism may be imprinted on family genetic codes," warns Tan.


"Just look at the Prized Asshole Wilson’s nephew, Flaming Asshole Mike Love and son, Dennis, Drunken Asshole."

NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO WARRANT MORE THAN A PARAGRAPH

Historic English City "Taken Off The Map"
Nik Kershaw Blamed

(Greenwich, London) – Cartographers working for Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II have taken the ancient Roman city of Colchester, now formerly of Essex in southeast England, off the Royal Map. The city was famously "put on the map" in the 1980s by pop singer Nik Kershaw. During that period, the diminuitive Kershaw scored several hits including the top ten singles "Wide Boy" and "The Riddle", as well as the top five "Wouldn't It Be Good". Prime Minister Tony Blair has ordered mapmakers to remove Colchester from the map since Kershaw’s
subsequent career has singularly failed to sustain high level interest.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

LOCAL LICKS

Hometown Heroes
Area Man Tries Marijuana, Still Doesn’t Get Appeal of Reggae
Doesn’t Know It, Feel It
(Sandusky, OH) – Upper Sandusky resident Garret Smalls listened to reggae music properly for the first time last night and has decided that he simply doesn't enjoy the popular Jamaican music.


Daniel Byrne, a reggae enthusiast friend of Smalls', invited the twenty five-year-old graphic designer to smoke some pot and listen to some heavy roots, early Dancehall and ragga.

While Byrne did a live mix on two decks of some of his current favorites, including 7"’s by Brigadier Jerry ("Every Man A Me Bredren"), Vivian Jackson ("Conquering Lion"), Big Youth ("Dubble Attack"), Luciano, Josie Wales & Charlie Chaplin ("Rebel With a Cause"), along with the first side of the VP issue of the Congos' The Heart of the Congos, Smalls happily hit a marijuana-filled ceramic bong with a skull caricature at its base.


"I thought I'd be more likely to 'get' reggae if I had a little buzz on," he explained.

Despite this, Smalls remained unmoved, not calling out "Forward!" or "Big up m' selecta!" at any point in the evening.


"Maybe it’s because I was born and raised in a small town in Ohio, but I have a really hard time translating the patois and the accent is way thick," Small announced after several big chunes.

After Cocoa Tea's wicked "Burn Satan", Smalls ventured that he was also "a little uncomfortable with some of [reggae music's] fundamentalist religious aspects."

Smalls also reported that "the whole thing is a bit too ‘samey’ to me.

"I guess I don’t know it, since I can’t feel it," he added matter-of-factly.

Smalls did note that the pot was great and will continue to do more of that in the future while listening to Double Nickels on the Dime, Shave the Baby Datapanik’s Greatest Hits: Volume 1, and that new Stereolab EPs collection.


TODAY'S MUSIC NEWS TODAY


Geri Halliwell Completes Autobiography Trilogy With New Bombshell Revelation
Everything in first two autobiographies a lie

(London, England) -- With shocking candour, Geri Halliwell has written openly for the first time about the complete mendacity of If Only and Geri: Just for the Record, the former Spice Girl’s first two autobiographies.

"I truly believe my fabrications were a cry for help," writes the erstwhile Ginger Spice in the introduction to her new autobiography, …And Nothing But the Truth.


"After the Spice Girls broke up", she continues, "I had trouble getting away from that old Ginger Spice persona, so I guess I tried to move on by lying about everything in my autobiographies.


"I’m sorry to anyone who was caught up in my web of deceit," writes Halliwell, "I’m sure you’ll understand why it happened, if you read my new book."

…And Nothing But the Truth also details the ex-Girl Power advocate’s involvement in alien abduction, Bacchanalian group orgies and even murder. Fans are already buzzing about what Halliwell could possibly be holding back for the next series.